"The Machinist"

David and I watched "The Machinist" on cable last night. This was a great thriller starring Christian Bale as a machinist who has been suffering from an inability to sleep for over a year, may or may not be hallucinating killer co-workers and has lost like a thousand pounds since his very hot "American Psycho" days.

The movie is good, although patience is required. But the scariest part really is how much weight Bale lost for the movie. He looks horrifying - literally like something out of the holocaust. I remember reading that he actually did crash diet for the role, and then had to put the weight back on for "Batman Begins". Talk about dedication to your work.

Good movie though, highly recommended.

The Bird can whistle the theme song to "Star Trek"

Yes, he really can. And he does it loudly if he wants to get my attention.

Clearly you are a major geek when your bird can whistle "Star Trek" to you. And that he knows it will get your attention.

He is a bird, I told you, right?

Priory of Scion

Let me introduce you to the newest member of my family. He rocks.


My new Scion TC - he rocks

Enough Already!

I never want to hear a news weather person say "we really could use the rain" ever again. Throughout April it was totally dry. Over and over again you would hear it said on the news one way or another:

"We really could use the rain"
"We need some of those April showers"

Well guess what? Careful what you wish for! Any more rain and we will all spontaneously evolve gills I think.

We have enough rain now!

If we were cartoons....

When David and I stopped at Disneyland while visting a friend in LA, he insisted we get a caricature drawn of us. The experience was interesting. We had to sit perfectly still making intense eye contact with a complete stranger while crowds passed by oggling it all and making comments about it (we could not see it until it was done, which took about 30 minutes).



So I guess this is how we would look in a Saturday morning cartoon version of our lives. Of course, the bird is missing, but I am sure that could be easily corrected. David's ears are not really that big either, I swear.

Clinton vs. Bush (2)

As Nelson would say, "Ha Ha!"

This comes as no surprise.

After all, as one particularly intelligent bumper sticker says, "No One Died When Clinton Lied".

Home Alone and Useless

The Partner David has always done the heavy house stuff around here. Not that I cannot do it, but he has always just done it and I have complied. Among these things are the maintenance of the boilers for the heat.

As any of you New Englanders know, we had a beautiful April - warm, sunny and just overall gorgeous. May, so far, has been less than stellar. In fact, this week it has been pretty cold. But David decided to shut off the boilers last weekend. This would not normally be a problem, because if there was a sudden need for heat, he would take care of it.

However, if you see my last entry, David was not around this week. When I got home from the hospital on his first day of chemotherapy (gone at hospital all day), I discovered a very cold home, with a shivering Bird. I realized quickly what was wrong, what I was unsure of how to deal with it.

I went to the basement and sure enough the boilers were not lit. I opened them up (after wrestling with the cover for a bit and losing a screw someplace in the process), and read the instructions. On first pass, they might as well have been in ancient Hebrew. However, on closer examination, I noticed that the main components were numbered. These numbers mapped back to the instructions, very similar to the LCD display on the copy machine at the office telling you where the paper gets jammed. I was hopeful, but when it came time to light the pilot, it would not light. Instead, all I could do was smell gas. Panicked, I decided to abort (and go to bed wearing sweats).

When David was more coherent, he showed me how to light the Pilot. Now, in my defense, the hole to stick in the match is not the same as the one marked in the instructions, and had it been, I would have succeeded.

But it made me realize that I am pretty clueless.

It's theirs to lose...

Let's hope they do not screw this up. Time for us to start getting this country on the right track again and turn around 6 + years of Republican mismanagment, criminal negligence and buffoonery.

The Decider

Excellent email making the rounds (this was forwarded to me by my beloved sister-in-law):

Inspired by the Tuesday 4/18/06 George W Bush quote regarding all of the Rumsfeld noise: I hear the voices and I read the front page and I hear the speculation. But I'm the decider, and I decide what's best..."

"I'm the Decider"
by Roddy McCorley

Well, it took me awhile, but I finally realized what "I'm the decider"
reminds me of. It sounds like something a character in a Dr. Seuss book might say.

So with apologies to the late Mr. Geisel, here is some idle speculation as to what else such a character might say:

THE DECIDER

I'm the decider.
I pick and I choose.
I pick among whats.
And choose among whos.
And as I decide
Each particular day
The things I decide on
All turn out that way.
* I decided on Freedom
For all of Iraq.
And now that we have it,
I'm not looking back.
I decided on tax cuts
That just help the wealthy.
And Medicare changes
That aren't really healthy.
And parklands and wetlands
Who needs all that stuff?
I decided that none
Would be more than enough!
I decided that schools
All in all are the best
The less that they teach
And the more that they test.
I decided those wages
You need to get by
Are much better spent
On some CEO guy.
I decided your Wade
Which was versing your Roe
Is terribly awful
And just has to go.
I decided that levees
Are not really needed.
Now when hurricanes come
They can come unimpeded.
That old Constitution?
Well, I have decided
As"just goddam paper"
It should be derided.
I've decided gay marriage
Is icky and weird.
Above all other things,
It's the one to be feared.
And Cheney and Rummy
And Condi all know
That I'm the Decider -
They tell me it's so.
I'm the Decider
So watch what you say
Or I may decide
To have you whisked away.
Or I'll tap your phones.
Your e-mail I'll read.
`cause I'm the Decider -
Like Jesus decreed.
Yes, I'm the Decider
The finest alive
And I'm nuking Iran.
Now watch this drive!

Now that I think about it, Dr. Seuss anticipated this administration
pretty well when he wrote Yertle the Turtle...

Ha Ha!!

Laughing out load at This Blog. Read it and weep. I love sarcastic wit. Especially combined with "gross reality".

70 Days to Madonna

And counting.....

What a Great Weekend!

Not only was the weather beautiful both days (maybe a tad windy yesterday, but still very nice) - but David and I had a wonderful time with the fabulous Jen and her equally fabulous other half Bill at Bonfire on Saturday night. Bill and David are both celebrating their 45th Birthdays and Jen thought it was a great reason for us to get together and blow a lot of money on fabulous food, wine and cocktails.

And man, was she right. That place never disappoints and the company could not have been better. We were a little annoyed because they just redid the menu and no longer offer an unreal potato dish that we loved. But they did have "luscious" mashed potatoes, which I was told by the server was lavished in extra butter and cream. That sounded good to me so I was quickly reassured.

Somehow they figured out there was a birthday going on because David ordered key lime pie for dessert and they served it with a birthday candle. I was a bit taken aback, I mean, who has ever heard of birthday pie? Jen and I chose liquid desserts, namely a vanilla flavored cognac. You never feel truly sophisticated until you have swished cognac around in a snifter.

Of course, we never really need an excuse for good food, wine and cocktails, but sometimes it helps to justify the cost!

Gas Problems

You know, no matter how much they cry about low margins, cost of research, tax burdens, etc., I will NEVER be able to accept the excuses for the big oil companies' need to increase their gas prices.

Somewhere, in all the planning and logic regarding justification of these prices, someone is getting majorly screwed - and it is NOT the people who own stock in these companies. It is the average Joe Schmoe American, who is just trying to get by. But now it seems we are working just to put gas in our cars to get to work.

And now there are members of Congress who want to give us a whole $100 rebate to help us out. You know what? I would rather they just donate it to the research efforts to replace OIL as our primary fuel source.

Oh, I forgot, some people in public office do not want us to replace oil as our primary fuel source.

Officials Arrested Protesting the Sudanese

Usually our elected officials make little difference, or do very little that truly impresses me. However, five members of Congress were arrested today protesting at the Sudanese embassy in Washington. This is impressive.

Why were they protesting and therefore arrested? The Sudanese government is actively engaged in genocide against its own people in the Darfur region. Over 400,000 people innocent people have been brutally killed. For more information, see www.savedarfur.org/home.

It amazes me that this type of stuff can be going on. We are so determined to rid Iraq of Saddam Hussein, but essentially ignore the very obvious atrocities going on elsewhere? If Americans are supposed to be leaders in this world, how do we tolerate this type of stuff?

In 2001, President Bush noted in the margins of a report on the Rwandan genocide, "not on my watch". However, we actually work with the Sudanese government because they have become "allies in the war on terror". Do we really want them as our allies? In a war "against TERROR"? I know I don't.

No one is suggesting war on the Sudan or any American military intervention. But the beleagured African Union troops who are tasked with "observing" the situation can not do anything to help or protect the people. The UN should get involved, with peace keeping forces who are tasked with nothing more than protecting the innocent people from warlords. We (as a nation) need to get more vocal about getting the UN in there.

Fill out the online post card urging the President to make good on his promise. This can be done by going here.

Silk Plants

I prefer fake plants and flowers. Particularly now that they are so real looking. I prefer these because I cannot kill them. I know this because I have had several now for over a year and they still look great. Every REAL plant or flower I have purchased started looking yucky and would die within a few weeks.

Of course, they would not work well at a wake and funeral. There is something about the sweet smell of fresh, live cut flowers that make me think of death. I would not want that to be replaced by fake flowers.

But for other purposes, I prefer silk plants and flowers.

New White House Press Secretary

So Scott McClellan could not take it any more. Not really surprised. How long can you spew forth ridiculousness for a ridiculous man before the life is sucked from you?

Interesting though that his replacement is from FOX News. Very convenient for FOX. After all, they basically just reiterate anything the President says. And at least Tony Snow already knows the drill for FOX, so he can just issue releases exactly as they would have printed them.

Everyone wins! Oh, except the rest of us.

Breakdown Lane

When driving to work each morning, there is one exit from Route 2 in Lexington that takes me onto Route 128 North. Each morning, the traffic that is trying to get onto Route 128 South backs up and blocks the exit going to 128 North, so I inevitably end up in crawl traffic for a short distance until my exit pops up.

There is a break down lane here as well. Many people will decide to bypass waiting in line like good little doobies and just drive down the breakdown lane to get onto the exit. But there is a problem with this treachery. Just before the exit, there is an overpass and a slight turn to the right. Just behind this overpass, a state police officer dutifully waits and makes the drivers in the breakdown lane pull over for punishment (because there is nothing better for him to do). There is no warning and no room to escape (unless you pull a Thelma and Louise). This does not happen every morning, but often enough to know not to take any chances.

This morning, the slow crawl was particularly bad, and as I came to the overpass, I saw the state police officer acting all kinds of authoritative, having pulled over three people already. In my rear view mirror, there was this Cadillac barreling down the breakdown lane, blissfully unaware of what awaited him - arrogantly thinking of how he was blowing us all off. Suddenly, he sees the cop! The directional comes on and he tries to blend back into traffic, but guess what? No one would let him back in. Pissed, he was forced right up to the officer, who dutifully pulled him over - this happened about five cars behind me. I was highly amused as I watched the look on the driver's face. At the same time, it made me worry that such behavior could cause a sudden accident if he tried to force his way back in - thankfully he did not.

The best part of this is that a "No Driving In Breakdown Lane" sign is right there.

Harold and Kumar

Based on fabulous Jen's recommendation, I finally watched "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle" last night. Awesome.

The movie is very funny. Between Neil Patrick Harris playing himself as a PNP-ing sex fiend and Chris Meloni as a puss-spewing boil-covered Jesus-loving tow truck driver, the supporting cast is great enough. But the two main characters, your average Asian and Indian-American stoners trying to get a good Burger, totally own this movie. If you have ever had the munchies - this movie is one laugh riot worth catching.

Oh, and if you watch it, be sure to pay attention to the closing credits for additional hilarity.

Easter Ramblings....

How did we go from a guy getting nailed to a cross and dying (reportedly to free us from our own sin), to talking rabbits that deliver candy in a basket?

Ah, yes - the Christianization of the Pagans. Whenever colorful celebration and gaiety are included in Christian holidays, you can be sure that we have the Pagans to thank for it.

Christmas is a great example. When Christianity was growing and becoming dominant in Rome in the third century, the church moved the celebration of Christmas (which was a pretty somber thing back then) so that it would overshadow the Pagan Roman celebration of the Sun. You see, the Catholic Church wanted to squash the Pagan celebrations but there was a problem. This celebration was beloved. During the Celebration of the Sun, the Romans were festive and merry - they ate and drank, sang songs, gave each other gifts and decorated their houses and the trees (sound familiar?). The church allowed these traditions to carry onto Christmas so that the Pagans would adopt it more willingly. Over time, the distinction was lost.

As for Easter? Well, that is the Pagan celebration of fertility that was to be squashed. Those damned Pagans were having too much fun - they had the gall to actually associate the rebirth of the Spring with fertility - so sexuality and fertility were celebrated. The Church could have none of that. So what image can best quell any thoughts of sexuality and fertility? A man being nailed to a cross, that's what - so the church made sure Easter sits on top of this holiday. I'm sure the rabbit and the treats are tied in there somewhere.

Ponder that while eating chocolate eggs tomorrow.

Bastards!

I recently misplaced my ATM card. It will probably turn up, but rather than take a chance, I decided to report it missing and have a new one issued.

So after going through the whole process, I am told it will take "7-10 business days" to receive my replacement card. Talk about inconvenient. Now I actually have to go to the bank and interact with someone to get my money. That is so 20th century (as is taking 7-10 business days to get my replacement card).

So, the very next day I log into my bank account to do some online bill paying and what do I see? A $7.00 fee for "replacement card". Well, that took no time did it? So how come I have to wait so long for a replacement card that I have already paid for?

Now I would make a stink about this, but this bank is generally pretty good, is very gay friendly and actually has real free checking. So I will hold my tongue and just quietly say to myself, "Bastards!".

Uh oh

I just heard something in the other room smash, and the Partner is yelling at The Bird. The Bird must have knocked a precious cookie jar or something off the counter.

Details later.

Spring has Sprung

Wow, it really looks like Spring has arrived. I know this because I have a runny nose, my eyes are killing me and my sinuses ache. But I am loving it anyway.

You know we had a wimpy winter really - the ground never really froze and that is why all the flora are springing up all over the place. We are at least three weeks ahead of schedule on the birth of flowers and leaves.

Despite the early onset of allergies, I am not complaining - bring it on.

The Madonna-fication of Me

I have been a Madonna fan since her very first album, since I was in High School.

However, I have only seen her once before in concert. That was a sunny July day in 1987, with my dear friends Jeff and Sue during the "Who's That Girl?" tour at Foxboro Stadium. We had a great time. I have listened faithfully since then, but have not been back to see her in person.

That is about to change. Prompted by the very same Jeff, I bought two tickets for the July 9 show on her upcoming tour at the BankNorth Garden (Fleet Center) in Boston. This will be especially nice because the Partner is a big Madonna fan as well and July 9 will be our 17th anniversary.

Side Note: Did you know you can actually see the view from your
seats in advance by going to the venue website and choosing the flash tour and entering your seat numbers? Coooolllll....

So, in preparation I downloaded "Confessions on a Dance Floor" to my iPod, strapped it on and listed to it during an particularly effective 45 minutes on the elliptical at the gym! There is only one word for this album - brilliant.

And I am going to see it performed live!

Thanks Jeff for lighting a fire under my ass!

Death Penalty for Zacarias Moussaoui?

Does anyone else feel that the death penalty for Zacarias Moussaoui is not really an appropriate punishment?

I am not a fan of the death penalty but am also not opposed to it. But in this case, I think it is clear that he wants it. To him, and others like him, this is his chance to become a martyr and motivate other terrorists. Life in prison, American prison, seems like a better actual punishment. Solitary confinement type of prison, you know, like where they stashed the Unabomber. A place where he cannot speak out or be seen. But he can waste away for 50 years or so.

That seems more appropriate.

Idiots!

In this day and age, you would think even the most stupid would know not to do this.

But apparently not. Do you remember right after 9/11 one of the things everyone was concerned with was the water supply? Well these idiots apparently did not remember that. Or maybe they thought people would not worry about this now?

I remember hearing about the discovery of this break-in on the news this morning as I got ready for work, and while listening to the newscasters talking about how the local authorities were treating this suspiciously and taking all the proper precautions, I just knew it would end up being dumb kids.

And haven't they seen enough made for Lifetime movies starring Meredith Baxter and/or Markie Post by now not to go running around blabbing about it at school the next day?

Idiots!

Cross-walk Signals

Sometimes I think these are only a box with a button that is not really connected to anything that will change the traffic lights. These are the times when I am waiting at a cross walk and trying to cross the street.

Other times I am sure that they work as we are told they do. This is when I am driving, trying to get somewhere quickly and all four ways at an intersection are at red because Of the "Walk" light someone requested.

But the only thing that really annoys me about these things, are the people who walk up to them, press the button to get the walk light, and then do not wait for it, they run across the street against traffic anyway. This leaves us stuck at another four way red light with no one actually crossing the street.

Kind of a waste of a thing if you ask me, these cross walks usually have an interval timed light anyway.

Good Post

I like Daily Kos alot, being the fairly liberal minded person that I am. But this post sums up much of what I have been feeling recently, but have not fully said.

Anyone who might read here knows how I feel about President Bush and his ingorant administration. But this post really expresses it better than I ever could.

What do you think?

Two years ago, I quit smoking. It was a personal choice, not influenced by any other person. I was surprised how easy it was. I did this, even though I live full time with a smoker, and he continues to smoke.

I have never pushed for him to quit, the only two things I have asked is that he does not smoke in the bedroom, or in my car. These are the only restrictions I have asked for. However, he still does it, and that makes me mad. When I complain, he dismisses my complaints as my "making a big deal out of nothing".

Am I wrong in making these requests? After two years of not smoking, cigarette smoke has started to bother me in close quarters, and I can smell it for days. If he borrows my car, I know if he smoked in it, even if he says he did not.

Am I making too big a deal out of this?

"Its my Birthday and I want a Bloodfeast!"

"Party Monster" is a great movie. What I refer to as a great CABLE movie. The kind you can watch over and over again and still enjoy. It has some great lines and the actors who play the major rolls are very good in them.

Memorable lines:

Michael (Mess #1) to James: "Would I lie to you James?"
James (in response): "Yes! All the time!"

Mess # 2 to James: "Oh the drugs are just a sideline. A profitable one" (you have to see that one to appreciate it).

James to Michael: "Make sure you are always on the right. That way, in the picture you are on the left and the caption will read 'James St. James' and blah, blah, blah".

James to Dallas show promoter: "Show? We don't have a show. We don't do anything".

Michael, with Gitzy: "It's my birthday and I want a bloodfeast".

There are so many good lines in this movie it would be impossible to list them all. Oh, and the costumes are outrageous. But what makes this whole story impossibly absurd is the fact that it is based on a true story.

I was just coming out to the Boston clubs when all this was going down in NYC - I do not remember hearing about any of it, but do enjoy watching the movie about it!

The Simple Things

We just got a new vanity, sink and medicine cabinet, as well as tile floor, in my bathroom. You'd think I got a new car. You realize you are getting older when you get so excited about these things. Other things I find myself excited about that would have bored me 20 years ago:

• New Sheets (600-1000 thread count only).
• New vacuum cleaner (it has a pivot!).
• Lazy Susan for my television (now I can lightly swing it around to view it while dusting the curio cabinet).
• Curios for the curio cabinet (don't ask).
• New silverware (we finally replaced our college-era mismatched stuff with all new matching heavy duty stuff!).
• Stainless steel bathroom accessories.

And the ultimate insult came yesterday. I went to Microcenter to buy some things I needed for work. Ten years ago, I would have come out of there with all kinds of electronics and computer toys that I did not need and could not afford. Yesterday I wandered the aisles and realized I had everything I wanted, and was more interested in getting back to my new bathroom!

At least I still like to go out and drink!

Quick Bird Update

I have been so busy with work I hardly post any more. But I need to give you a funny Bird Update.

I have mentioned before that the Bird, Rick the Parrot, loves to find funny hiding places and "nest". The partner has been doing some work on our home and he recently opened a crawl space under the eves of the front room to build some storage cabinets. The bird, recently clipped to stop him from flying and perching up on the ceiling fan, discovered an opening that allows him in under the eaves of the roof.

How do we know this? The other day I come home from work and the Bird is missing, but when I call him I hear him whistle - so I know he is around somewhere, the place is a construction mess, but I am sure he is OK.

About an hour later I am sitting on the couch when all of a sudden the Bird starts calling me - "Jack!", "Jack?!" (this ability was picked up from David constantly yelling "Jack!" for almost 17 years). So I look all over the place and wonder where it is coming from when I realize the Bird is inside the wall. So, I open up the crawl space, shine in the flashlight and there he is, complete with a towel he dragged in there to cuddle (he likes to cuddle a towel, maybe some day I will post a pic).

Anyway, I coaxed him out and sealed the opening he used - he then proceeded to be a bratty child who was pissed I had taken away his little fort.

God, I never though I would have to child proof my home.

Why I love Tony

This Sunday, an American icon returns....


Tony Soprano rocks

I am not a big mafia story fan. Although I loved the drama of the first two Godfather movies, I was never very interested in other stories.

And for that reason, I avoided "The Sopranos" furor of 1998/1999. It was everywhere - the first two seasons of "The Sopranos" had taken the world by storm and the world was getting ready for season three. It was everywhere - photos in TV Guide and other magazines made it impossible to avoid. And one Sunday night I was flipping through the channels looking for something to watch and then, boom, there it was.

I knew it was "The Sopranos" - I had never seen it, but I knew. So, I started to watch. And, like many others, I was caught.

This show is NOT a mafia story. It is not a crime story. It is an old fashioned story, about a family and its interpersonal realtions. The characters just happen to be in the mafia.

We watch these mobsters deal with the events in their lives - and we often forget who we are dealing with, until Tony suddenly shoots a kid he has hostage with the zeal of a ten year old killing ants using the sun and a magnifying glass.

Regardless, it is one of the best shows on TV in recent years, and it comes so rarely. I am tickled pink knowing that I have four months to enjoy it.

Oh Slobadon, we hardly knew ye..

Or maybe we knew ye too well.

Evil doer Slobadon Milosevic died today, exactly how is unknown. His war crimes trial was not completed, and I guess the world will never get full closure on his evil.

But he is dead, and like with the Hitlers, Stalins and Pol Pots of the world, all I can say is "good fu&*ing riddance!".

Good Stuff

It seems some people know what's good for this country after all. It would be nice to see this actually happen, as this President truly deserves to be impeached.

Not in my Clam Bake

This new lobsterish thing is kinda weird. I keep thinking of the "lobstrosities" from the Dark Tower books by Stephen King.


the "lobstrosity"

Being from New England, it is Maine lobster or nothing for my clam bakes.

I'm a Geek

And not because of my leaning towards all things computer. In a moment of nostalgic weakness, I ordered up the DVDs of the original "Battlestar Galactica" and "Lost in Space". It is possible that this moment of nostalgic weakness was fueled by wine and enabled via internet access.

Remember that:

"Credit card + Internet access + Wine = Debt"

Both of these shows are true camp sci-fi, but I love them anyway. Being able to hear Dr. Smith yell, "bubbling Booby" at the robot at any moment tickles my fancy so much.

And to make matters worse, I already have the new Battlestar Galactica on DVD, as well as some of Star Trek the Next Generation.

I guess I am just a hopeless Geek.

Chinese Food and the forces of evil

Why is it that every time I get Chinese food and have to drive home with it, that all the forces of evil conspire to prevent a timely homecoming?

Every red light, every little old lady crossing the street with a walker, every racing fire engine, every mother duck with her family of ducklings - everything that can happen to slow my progress does.

This, of course, is coupled with the fact that the Chinese food is filling my car with its sweet aromas and making me practically drool.

"The Ring 2"

Just what you all need, a very late movie review:

"The Ring" was one of those rare horror movies - actually scary, with an original story idea. I love those (like "the Grudge" and "Saw", movies that were actually better than you expect). Unfortunately, successful movies prompt sequels. Rarely are they as good as the original, usually they are pretty lame.

Such was the case with "Ring 2". I was happy that the lovely Naomi Watts returns, but the story was just boring. And they never fully explain how the deaths from the supernatural videotape keep happening. I was mostly bored, never really scared but stuck with it to the end hoping that something would make sense. Even a somewhat inspired appearance by Sissy Spacek could not help.

Mechanic Syndrome

As an IT professional, one who often responds to user problems, I often encounter "mechanic syndrome" - when you are experiencing trouble but the trouble miraculously disappears when you bring in an expert to deal with it. I suppose it is only fair that it happen to me too.

I get my car back Wednesday after three weeks in the auto body shop and it looks damn good, even though the back of the car looks brand new and the front looks four years old. The very first day I get it back, the "check engine" warning light comes on.

You know, there is probably no less informative gauge light than this. I refer to the owners manual, which instructs me to "call my VW dealer", so I do. I tell them that the light has come on. "Is it flashing?", they ask me. "No", I answer, "it is solid". "Well, that's good", they reply. So of course I have to ask, "what would it have meant if it was flashing?". They tell me I would have to pull over, abandon the vehicle and call for a tow. "Thank god for solid engine warning lights then", I responded.

So I make an appointment to bring it in the next morning, and profusely apologize to my employer for all the last minute time out I need due to this car. I decide to take this opportunity to have the dealer address other petty things, like an annoying squeak, a suspicious clatter and a strange groan. These things have been bugging me for a while, and had planned on having them checked before the accident.

So I get up really early this morning to bring the car in. The Check Engine Warning light? No longer on. The annoying squeak? Suspicious clatter? Strange groan? All quiet. So they take the car for the day and check it all out - nothing wrong, they say. At least I have "peace of mind" they say.

Yeah, right.

South Dakota Bans Abortion

It will be interesting to see what happens to the mainstream perception of South Dakota now that the state government has taken the steps to completely outlaw abortion. In many ways, their action is the conservative equivalent to Massachusetts' legalizing gay marriage.

Of course there are differences. In Mass, the state supreme court ruled that gay marriage was legal and in South Dakota it was the state legislature that moved to ban abortion. But what is similar is that each state polarized itself to a political extreme. Completely opposite extremes of course.

I should be horrified by what has taken place in SD, but am not really - I was expecting it given the direction the country is moving - civil liberties are being curtailed. In some ways, this move will bring a major issue to the front of the national debate. And maybe Massachusetts will get out from under the political issue microscope for a while. I have always been annoyed by the conservative reference to "crazy liberal Massachusetts". Well, I think that will pale compared to how many people will refer to South Dakota

By the way....

What exacty is an "Emirate"?

Emirate (noun)- A territory ruled by an Emir.

Oh.

Hard to Fathom

The Bush presidency is one of those historical enigmas, a mistake of logic, that will be discussed and studied for many years to come.

The recent UAE ownership of American port management (and security) is a recent example of how this administration was simply not meant to be. Yesterday, Bush adamantly states that the contract was a "good thing to America" and to "trust him". He also said he would counter any attempt by Congress to put it on hold by hitting any such attempt with a veto. This morning, his people say the President was "not aware" of the involvement of the UAE.

What? If he did not know about it, why was he so adamantly defending it the day before? Is he really so foolish? Oh, yeah. The main thing to remember about Bush and Cheney is that they simply cannot admit they made a mistake. They will defend this decision no matter what happens.

I was surprised to learn that we outsource the management of our ports to other nations at all, regardless of which ones Christian, Muslim, or Hindu. It seems ridiculous to me.

Presidents Day and Kia

Do current and former Presidents get to celebrate on Presidents Day? Do they get a card? It would appear to be an unattractive market for a Greeting Card company, as it is pretty small.

In any event, the rest of us get a day off and that is good. But there is one thing I hate about it - the Kia car commercials.

These commercials start with the line - "Do not ask what you can do for Kia. Ask what Kia can do for you". This is just terrible. It is an attempt to market to Presidents Day using the words of President Kennedy - "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country". Now, I get the point - it sounds all presidential and blah, blah, but it insults our intelligence. I just hate it.

It implies that we might, for some reason, be looking to do something "for Kia", like we are volunteering for a Kia Army or something. What? It is a freaking multinational company. The most likely thing I would do "for them" is picket their labor practices in a third world country.

It also mocks one of the most memorable lines from a Presidential Inaugural speech. I wonder if some children today would hear the original line and thinks of Kia. That line belongs to history, not to a tagline to a third rate minivan.

Funny how commercials work - generally, if you remember the product it has made its point. I will not forget Kia, that is for sure.

Parking Wars

So, we thought we could get off with an easy winter this year, but our arrogance defeats us:


Of course, I live in the purple area, right alongside the gray bubble

Naturally, this storm is occurring over the weekend, so it can interfere with my ability to go to the clubs instead of my ability to go to work.

I am not looking forward to the Parking Wars. Street parking in these situations generally is reduced to 10%. And once you have shoveled out your car and created a space, you have basically lost it. I love watching the people in their cars cruising the area stalking you as you shovel, waiting for you to take your car out so they can steal the space. In the past, I just leave my car there and take the subway, but not this year, now I need my car every day to get to work.

I know I can "mark" my space with a lawn chair or something - but I know I cannot rely on that. In these extreme circumstances, that shoveled space is the most valuable piece of real estate on the hill. I will still do it, but will be sure to use something that I do not mind losing.

So far I have avoided major conflict in this area, but have witnessed it.

This is the only thing about winter that I really hate. I don't like cold or snow, but I really hate the Parking Wars.

Cool Stuff

As I have said before, where would we be without the internet? It has been a long time since I have had to get a car repaired, but I am really surprised by this new trend, where they put photos of your car during the repair process onto the web so that you can be a part of it. This is my car in the "dis-assembly" process. Pretty cool stuff, huh?



Cool Stuff

Personal Fowl?

Not sure how I feel about this story. There are so many things that cause my brain to work on overtime to process:

• There is a chicken named Boo Boo, because, reportedly, she is easily frightened.
• It was apparently a pet?
• Mouth to Beak CPR?
• She was placed in a cardboard box by a heater (anyone smelling BBQ chicken?).

Jeez - when I see dead chicken, I grab the Chardonnay. I like the part where the lifesaver had to admit that they do not know how to get a pulse on a chicken.

You can't make this stuff up.

Manual or Automatic?

So I picked up my rental car this morning. Nothing special, but acceptable replacement for mine while it is in the shop. Only one problem, it is an automatic transmission and I am pretty much a manual kind of guy.

My problem with the automatic transmission is that I want so badly to grab the shift and change it. My body yearns to push into the clutch and change gears. This does not bode well for the automatic transmission.

I was thinking about it this morning as my foot went to push down the non-existent clutch. I must not be the only person who has this transition problem, but they make the problem worse by putting the shift for automatic right where it is for manual transmission. Why? Remember when the automatic transmission shifts were on the steering column? No mistaking them there. Now they sit right in the middle, so that it looks to my eye and feels to my arm just like the manual transmission shift that I have to grab and pull regularly throughout the driving experience.

I keep wondering when I am going to slam on the brakes when I am thinking I am hitting the clutch. Pray for me people.

Finally getting the car fixed

I've gone dark recently - sorry. Have been dealing with some things - some good, some not, but all taking lots of my time (thank God for wine). One of these things, the damage done to my car by a reckless truck driver will finally be dealt with tomorrow.

I am just praying the car comes back in good shape. I have nightmares of Dateline hidden camera investigations about what goes on in auto body shops. I almost expect to hear Jane Pauley or Stone Phillips voice saying "we'll return to Jack's story following the Dateline timeline".

Supposedly I am dropping off my car and will be given a rental car of equal quality for the duration of the repair job, which should take three weeks.

I was originally told that this rental car would be paid for by the other party's insurance company, which has assumed 100% liability. However, once I contacted the adjuster and told her that my car would be out of operation for three weeks, she is backtracking (almost as fast as the Bush administration following Goober-in-chief's suggestion we break our addiction to oil). Never the less, I have given the rental car agency their billing information and intend to stand and fight.

I never asked for anything more than getting the fair repairs to my car, and the ability to still drive while my car is in the shop. I did not pretend to be injured (I could have, right?), I have not exaggerated the damage. So why the hell is a few hundred dollars so important suddenly? I mean the damned insurance company (again, not mine, which has been very helpful) has tons of money and I am squat to them.

The Perfect Wine Glass

I was perusing Crate and barrel with the lovely Jen recently, and I could not help but admire some of the stemware, some of the cabernet glasses in particular.

What I liked about these particular glasses was not their design. They were not crystal, there was nothing terribly unique about their shape, the glass was not extra thick or colored. No, what I liked was their immense size. You see, these glasses held 22.5 ounces of wine. I did some quick English to Metric measurement conversion in my head (yes, really, I lived in Europe after all and it is a handy skill there) and realized this was almost an entire 750 ml bottle of wine. Excellent.

There is new meaning to "I just had a few glasses of wine". I might need to buy some.

Addendum to yesterday's post

Today I experienced absolutely no need to stop at a red light, and was actually in a bit of a hurry tot get to work. Therefore, every ligtht was red.

Further evidence.

The Meaning of Life?

I think I got a glimpse into the meaning of life this morning.

Every morning when I drive to work, I have to stop at about 5 or 6 red lights before finally getting to the highway - these are long lights, and cause the majority of the delay I have in getting to work.

Today, when stopped at the first one, I decided to use the time to change CDs. However, the light turned green suddenly and much more quickly than usual. Startled and "honked" into action by the guy behind me, I moved forward and all my CDs went flying all over the car. Dammit. However, I knew I would be forced to stop at the next light and could begin scooping them up, and with all the other lights, certainly finish it before getting to the highway. Right?

Well, like Moses parting the Red Sea, all of the lights were green and traffic just flowed through, denying me a stop before the Turnpike. It was then that it occurred to me. Whenever I want to get a red light, I do not. Whenever I want to get a green light, I do not.

Have you ever noticed that when you lose something, and then give up looking after searching endlessly, that you will later find it when you are looking for something else? The same principle applies here.

Although I do not fully understand the phenomenon, I am sure it has something to do with the Meaning of Life.

Lenin works out at my gym

There is this guy I see at the gym all the time. For months it has been driving me crazy trying to figure out where I know this guy from, he looks so familiar. Familiar in that "I don't really know him but have heard of him" kind of way. Today, as I was pondering this question, it suddenly occurred to me. He is Lenin. Yes, THAT Lenin.


The guy from my gym during his heyday

He has the same features, that same goatee, the beady eyes, the pointy bald head. Everything about the guy cries Lenin.

This is quite remarkable, as Lenin has been reportedly dead some 80 or so years, but not totally impossible. Supposedly his body lies eternally in state in Moscow. But I am suspicious of bodies in glass coffins that do not decompose. It is far MORE likely that what lies in state is a wax dummy and that the real Soviet revolutionary walks the earth as an Immortal, and works out at my gym.

So how do you approach so powerful a historical figure? I mean, he has a Grad named after him. I would ask how he's doing, but given the whole "Fall of Soviet communism thing", I might be better off on a lighter topic. Perhaps sharing Abduction techniques. But certainly, we will stay away from Stalinesque treachery, young Czarevech's or Boris Yeltsin.

I have to admit that I wonder what he does in his spare time - does he work? I only hope he is not organizing any "movements" - we've seen what can happen with that.

You Poor Things

Canada Goes Conservative

I would have thought that our dear neighbors to the North would have learned from our mistakes. But it appears that cancers do spread.

40

So tomorrow I turn 40. It had to happen some day, right? You might wonder if I feel bad or weird or whatever, but I don't at all. So far, my experience has been that life gets better as I get older - so hopefully it just keeps moving that way.

But one thing I do feel is a little proud. Over the past few years I made two promises to myself, goals I wanted to achieve before 40. And I achieved them:

Quitting smoking - A big one. I stupidly started smoking when I was younger and then got completely hooked. I figured that quitting would be impossible, and that I would not succeed - I figured I would have to try it a few times before I got it right. But I wanted to be successfully smoke free by 40, so two years ago I decided to start trying. I did it on my very first try.

Back to the Gym - Another thing I wanted to start doing regularly again before I turned forty and when I quit smoking, I started. I feel great.

So I actually feel better moving into 40 than I probably did when I turned 30. So I feel good about it, but I will probably not rush into making goals for 50.

Weird birthday tidbit:

I am always the same age as the Super Bowl. Whatever number Super Bowl is about to be played is my age. And the Super Bowl is always played right around my birthday (weekend after). The funny thing about this though, is that I never noticed until recent Super Bowls where the Patriots played. Because if the Patriots are not in the Super Bowl, I pretty much don't care.

The Birthday Weekend

I have an upcoming birthday. One of the "milestone" birthdays, in fact. My fabulous friends Keri and Jen treated me to a truly fabulous night of fabulousness.

The weather was really nice Friday night here in Boston - springtime warmth. And I, on autopilot of some kind, completely missed the correct stop on the T's Orange Line. Rather than get off and then back on, I decided to walk. It was a nice time right through Boston Common, past the frog pond watching the skaters and down to the Park Plaza Hotel.

At the Hotel I met the girls at Bonfire where we had some fancy cocktails (well, I had wine, but in the giant goblets I love so much). We sit down to dinner and who do we see across the room? More friends of ours from UMass! Also celebrating a birthday (the same milestone birthday).

So this cracks me up a lot, given that we are at this fancy, expensive restaurant. You see, years and years ago (well, some years ago), we all used to go out drinking and eating when we were in school. To pay for it in those days, we often got together whatever change or loose dollars we could find that we made from our part time convenience store jobs. So this night it kind of hit home that we really had "grown up" - we were dressed up, eating and drinking some fine food and wine.

It was awesome. The partner David was not up for joining us, but I brought him a goody bag from the restaurant which he greatly appreciated.

Saturday morning I slept later than usual, given the rather large amount of wine I consumed Friday night (hey, it was for my birthday, I keep telling myself). In fact, I felt pretty foggy all day Saturday. However, that all cleared up when I met a friend later at Machine for beers and shots.

So Sunday I sweat it all out at the gym - at least that is what I like to tell myself, but given how much wonderfully fun debauchery I experienced over two straight nights, I was pretty surprised how much stamina I had. For some reason I could not stop watching the Steelers game on TV either. I mean, I did not really want to watch it, but it was on and I was doing cardio and I got lost in the thing.

European News

UPDATE 1/22/2006 - OK, I feel badly that the whale died. But that does not change the sentiment of the original post (in fact, the extreme coverage of that compared to the lack of coverage of the Canadian election pretty much highlights what I was trying to say).

Why is it that we never see anything in the news about Europe unless it revolves around an American issue? This is really quite unacceptable. They are as important, if not more so, than the US - but the biggest stories we get are about whales in the Thames or Princes in the Army.

American centric views of the world will get us nowhere people. Start reviewing the BBC.com if you want some more real information.

"Whatever, just crash it"

TV commercials basically suck - usually they are inane, inept and uninteresting. However, once in a Blue Moon, some very good ones come along, the kind you remember (which scores a point for the advertiser, because that is what they want) and the kind that make you laugh or smile.

One of my personal favorites is the one for the minivan which shows poor "Bob", who is apparently under the control of the whims of two young boys, around 8 years old. Bob is a technician at the crash testing facility where he controls the ramming of mini-vans into walls. This is an 8 year old boy's fantasy. At one point, one of his enthusiastic masters yells, "now do the Gold one", and Bob so adultily corrects him stating that it " is Desert Sand Micah" (referring to the color). The young kid wonderfully replies, "whatever, just crash it". Tremendous.

We need more ads like this on TV.

Should have stayed in bed

My poor baby has a boo-boo

So I am cruising along, minding my own business in slow traffic when *BOOM*, a truck behind me, trying to change lanes, catches the right rear of my car.

Damn it! And this was only the beginning of a very bad day. The details of which I will spare you. Fortunately, I am meeting the fabulous Jen and Keri on Friday to be fabulous.

Words that sound funny

Some words I have always thought sounded funny and general reason, in no particular order:

Cup - it is a wierd word. It always made me laugh in mass "and he took the cup..."
Punishment - it sounds funny. I think of a tight lipped school marm demanding that a child present him/herself "for punishment". However, in a job title it could be interesting "Director of Punishments".
President Bush - either word taken separately does not sound unusual. But together they are a riot.
Parochial - what? It sounds like a disease or malady.
Bunny - no explanation required.

Jack is Back

it's the most wonderful time, of the year.....



"24', otherwise known as "the Best Show Ever", is returning Sunday night with a 2 hour opening, with another 2 hour dose Monday, before settling into its regular weekly Monday night schedule, taking us right into late Spring.

Fox, you suck is so many ways I cannot possibly forgive you, but thank you anyway, for this marvelous distraction from reality.

Starbuck vs. Starbuck

vs.
Discuss

Crazy Bird

Rick the Bird always needs to be in the middle of whatever is going on - he is the original "Curious George".

So when the Partner David decided to bring home about 50 novelty coffee mugs he found antiquing, and laid them out to organize, clean and pack, Rick had to "get in the middle".



We found him like this on the counter literally talking into the coffee mugs. This is an "ET Moment" - he often goes crawling around on the shelves behind David's knick-knacks, blending in almost. He will stand perfectly still while you are looking for him and you can't see him (just like when ET was hiding among the dolls in little Drew Barrymore's closet).

What A Bird.

The Mouse that Roared?

UPDATE 1-13-2006 - it turns out this was a massive rumor, picked up and reported by the "traditional media", creating world wide interest. Not surprising, because how believable was it really?

UPDATE 1-12-2006, also very interesting.

I find this story very interesting. Apparently, an 81 year old man catches a mouse, and then tries to dispose of it by throwing it in a pile of burning leaves. But hold on - that little bugger gets the last laugh - it runs out of the burning leaves (ablaze itself), runs back into the house, setting the house on fire and burning it to the ground.

Hmmm. Let's dissect this story a little bit. The story does not say how the mouse was caught. Having some experience with the noble art of mouse catching, there are only five ways I can see:

Traditional spring trap - where the mouse is rendered usually dead or highly injured due to the spring smashing down on it.
Glue Trap - where the critter gets itself stuck in a spread of glue on a high tech piece of cardboard and becomes immobilized (but left alive for those of you who cannot stomach death, but love the idea of enduring agony).
"Humane" Trap - where the mouse is caught alive in a trap and unharmed, but cannot escape, so it can be humanely let out in the wild somewhere, where it will get eaten by an owl or snake or other horror.
A Cat - the old fashioned way.
By Hand - where you just swoop down and grab the thing by the tail.

OK, now that we know the various ways in which this mouse could have been captured, let's apply them to this situation:

• The traditional spring trap would have killed the thing or rendered it immobile, it could not have run back to the house.
• The glue trap would have required the effort of separating the varmint from the trap, which would really be a waste of time - besides, it could not have run back.
• The "humane" trap is an unlikely thing too because why use this type of trap if you are just going to burn the thing alive? Unless you are a sadist.
• A cat would have also likely left the thing in a state unlikely to run burning from a fire.
• Perhaps the thing was caught by hand, but have you ever tried to catch a mouse by hand? At 81?

So, maybe you can see why I find this story "interesting" to say the least. I must admit that I cannot even imagine throwing a live animal into a fire, even a mouse. Maybe in a life or death struggle - like wrestling a grizzly bear while defending a baby - I might be able to do it. But just a mouse? You reap what you sew, I guess.

I hope his home owners insurance covers Fire by Mouse.

Death and Taxes..... and Laundry?

Everyone has heard the quote, "Of this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes" (Benjamin Franklin, circa sometime a long time ago). It is requoted or paraphrased over and over again. Well, I would like to add my version:

"Of this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes, and doing laundry"
- Jack, circa 2006.

It seems that I am always doing laundry. I do not do it more often than other people, probably about once per week, but it seems that every time I finish the laundry, I am teleported through time to the next time I am doing laundry. Every time I am filling the washing machine I have this deja vu feeling of "didn't I just do this"?

And while I am on the subject, why do laundry detergents have SO MANY different versions? I mean, liquid Tide has like 75 different kinds to choose from (partnering with Febreeze?). And is there anything more ridiculous than "Fresh Scent"? What is that really supposed to mean? Do we have the choice of "Stale Scent"? No.

My final laundry pet peeve, the laundry bag. I use a cloth bag to cart haul it to the basement. I always throw it in with the load as well, and use it to bring it back up. I swear the thing has consciousness and also tries to hide from me. Whenever I try to empty the hot dryer of its flesh searing contents, it is the first thing I need to get at, but it is always at the most difficult place to get to.

Remember "Lost in Space"? They had the right idea - you dump all the laundry into some machine and close the lid. The machine makes some sci fi noises for a few minutes, and then you remove the folded, plastic packaged contents. Someone should be working on this.

The Change "Tray"

I went to the store tonight on the way home from work. I was cold, tired, had a lousy drive home, and was in no mood for irritations. Yet I encountered one of my biggest pet peeves.

Why does it seem so common now, when you have change from a cash transaction that includes both bills and coins, that cashiers feel the need to present the coins in a highly unstable pile on top of a "tray" made from the bills (sometimes folded to provide extra tray strength, but usually not)?

This is a recipe for coin disaster. There is great chance of a change spillage during transfer from cashier to customer. Many times the receipt of the coins and bill tray are only one part of a larger juggling act being made by the customer at the time. Perhaps they are carrying other bags or a purse in the other hand, perhaps they are burping a child, or maybe they are scratching something. But in areas of cash exchange, it is common for the customer to be multi-tasking, whereas the cashier has only one concern - the presentation of the change.

When did the cashier industry decide to place the Change Exchange Burden onto the customer? At one time they presented change back by counting it to the customer to ensure accuracy. But no more, not that in schools you can now use calculators and notebook computers in Math class.

In cash exchange situations, I am not the one who is getting paid for doing the work. In fact, I am the one doing the paying. It seems only fair to me that the Burden Of Effort be placed back in the cashiers' hands.

Who's with me?

"Brokeback Mountain" for Best Picture

The partner David and I went to see the movie "Brokeback Mountain" last night before heading out to ring in the New Year.

I am not a big fan of love stories (gay or otherwise), and went to this more for David than because I wanted to see the movie. I certainly had heard of it, and that it was supposed to be so good. I thought it would be something nice for us to do together on New Years Eve.

Well, it moved me. It is a brilliant movie. Now you might say that I cannot objectively say that, being a gay man in a long term deep relationship. But I really think I can. Because it was not just about the love between two men that makes this movie work so well. It is beautifully filmed - the breathtaking Wyoming background actually is a character in the movie itself. The acting is Oscar worthy - both of the principal actors showed remarkable range. The story was well written, sensitive where it needed to be and almost disturbingly graphic at the right moments.

This movie deserves the accolades it is destined to get, and I hope you will go see it. You will be moved. But I do warn you, bring your tissues.

My Hopes for 2006

I respectfully submit some of my requests for 2006:

• I hope we finally get to know what happened between Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie that caused the middle-class challenged duo to part ways. Because, after all, I am sure it is really very interesting, right?
• I hope that Tom Delay's request for a speedy hearing is granted.
• I hope that Old Navy brings back the Old Navy Carolers for Christmas 2006, because I missed them Oh so much this year.
• I hope that Cable TV creates a "Millionaires' Channel", because that is really the only appropriate place for those Lexus commercials implying it is so easy to just buy a luxury car, put a giant bow on it and surprise my child with it for Christmas (WTF? Who can really do that?)
  
• I hope Dakota Fanning finally gets to be a kid and not forced to be in a movie.
• I hope that A&E's upcoming "Roller Girls" series is quickly cancelled and never made available on DVD.
  

and finally...

• I hope that George Bush is Impeached. After all, if Bill Clinton faced impeachment because he made an inappropriate deposit, isn't it only fair that George Bush face the same for trashing the Constitution and spying on Americans without legal warrant?

Happy New Year!

Mammaries

Is there a funnier word than 'mammaries'? The partner and I were watching "The Aviator" (which is a great movie, a must see) and there is this really well done scene where the Howard Hughes character played by Leonardo di Caprio (proving again the amazing range of his talent) is forced to defend the overexposure of "mammaries" in one of his movies starring Jane Bryant (yes, THAT Jane Bryant).

The scene is very amusing, with accusations of indecency flying. There is mention of photos to demonstrate and suddenly I am all, "did they show breasts in movies during the 30's and 40's?" when suddenly the pictures are put up and basically, we see the mammaries behind a blouse. A fairly conservative one by today's standards. Now, assuming these events actually took place, given that this is based on the real life of Howard Hughes, this scene takes on massive comic undertones, and is brilliantly played.

Although I am not sure how many times the word "mammaries" was used during the scene, it had to be at least 30 - once Hughes starts comparing Bryant's mammaries with other large-mammaried actresses of the time. The word "breast" was never mentioned - God forbid.

Anyway, my immature side was tickled by this scene.

The Common Cold vs. "Intelligent Design"

I am getting over a really awful cold, the kind that hits hard, with little warning and then passes just as quickly. I probably caught from all the intimate embraces with family over four days of family holiday gatherings. Whenever I catch a cold, it is always the same - I feel a sore throat, then the next day, complete misery and then the day after that much better (today). During the height of it yesterday, between hacking coughs and blowing the nose, I pondered just how it is that a microscopic whatever can make me feel so sick.

And then I remembered the debate about "Intelligent Design". You know, I understand why some people feel the need to justify evolution in a religious sense. Their brains are telling them that science and evolution make sense, but they cannot give up on the Bible. They feel that in order for such a complex system of materials and life to have been created, an "intelligent force" had to be behind it.

The reality is they just cannot grasp the concept that life on Earth may just be one massive accident, a massive collision of the right ingredients coming together at the right place and the right time. Personally, I believe that this "accident" actually has happened in other parts of the universe, and is probably more common that Intelligent Design enthusiasts care to believe.

An interesting counter theory was put forth by Professor Don Wise of the University of Massachusetts at Amherst (my alma mater). See his interview about "Incompetent Design". He says that no competent engineer would have used the existing design of the human body, it is just too inefficient. If there was indeed a "greater force" behind the creation of life and the universe, that force would be incompetent, not intelligent.

If there was an "intelligent" force behind our design, would a microscopic bug cause us so much anguish?

I don't think so.

Are there Gay Klingons?

If you are a Star Trek follower, then like me, you have wrestled with the following question - "Are there Gay Klingons?".


A Klingon "Biker Bear"?

The Klingons are a mighty warrior race, proud and driven by honor and valor in battle. They also love wine (blood wine, but wine none the less), dress up like leather drag queens and do not allow females on the High Council (interesting). They love Opera, and quote Shakespeare.

The bowels of their capital city are the perfect seedy areas where you would have found any American gay bar in the 70s and 80s. And every secret rendezvous arranged on their home planet of Kronos always happens in these areas (again, interesting).

When female Klingons do force their ways into positions of power, they are almost always bull-dykey:



Despite their menacing ways, the males are often very thoughtful, with genuine affection for the persons (read male) they respect. And their space craft are always very tidy and orderly.

I believe there must be Gay and Lesbian Klingons. They may need to stay underground, but I am sure they exist (and probably have fabulous parties).

Q'apla!!

Open Letter to the National Security Agency

Dear National Security Agency,

I have read in the newspaper that you may be monitoring my blog, email, phone calls, social activities and credit card purchases.

Welcome. I hope you enjoy your visit.

Love,

Jack

The Gift From Hell, Literally

Everyone gets one or two "taste-challenged" gifts during the holidays from well meaning gift givers who do not know any better. You smile and say "how nice" and then start mentally planning your efforts to be rid of it. But how about when you are given a gift that the giver knows you will not like?

Anyone who knows me well knows one quirk about me - I hate clowns. I hate all kinds of clowns. I hate happy clowns, sad clowns, but most importantly, I hate EVIL clowns. But then, they are all evil, with plans on eating us alive, aren't they? Even the word "clown" sends shivers down my spine. Once their true nature was finally exposed in "Poltergeist" and Steven King's "It", I knew my fears were real, and justified.

So, armed with that knowledge, what does the partner present me with on Christmas Eve? A giant Clown Pez dispenser, about 14 inches high. And it is spectacularly evil looking - see for yourself:



Even the Bird will not get near it - I tried to introduce them, but the Bird flew away (which given his wings are clipped, was really not his best decision this week).

This one part of a much larger plan. I get clown paraphanelia for Christmas from him every year - usually a refrigerator magnet or a silly key chain - always a stocking stuffer, always something disposed of quickly by me. Of course, the partner finds all of this extremely amusing. I find it to be...

The Gift From Hell

Are the Harry Potter movie actors getting too old?

There were so many important topics that could have been discussed at my family's holiday dinner table this weekend. Topics of importance that range from the effects of the various disasters of 2005 (tsunami, Katrina), to federal incompetence and general Boobery (Bush administration), to criminal politicians (Frist, Rove, Delay, Bush, Cheney), to the war in Iraq.

Yes, all of these topics were available for debate and discussion. But what really seemed to be bothering everyone the most, and at both ends of the debate was the ever important question, "Are the actors playing Harry, Ron and Hermione getting too old in the Harry Potter movies and should they be replaced?"

Man. The debate raged. One brother feels they are too old and look it. I argued that the actors playing high school kids on "The OC", "Beverly Hills 90210" and "That 70s Show" are all my age. Another brother believes it will all be done by special effects anyway, and that anyone can be any age these days.

We know what is important.

The Manger

I was thinking about the Nativity scene today, and about the Manger in particular when it occurred to me that I was not entirely certain what a Manger actually was. All I knew about it is that 1) it is found in a stable and 2) Baby Jesus was put into one following his birth. So I decided to look it up and this is what I learned:

Manger: a container (usually in a barn or stable) from which cattle or horses feed.

Nice. So the savior of humanity was born in a stable and then put into the animal food. When you think about it, there must have been a better place to have this baby. True, the inn was all full and Bethlehem was overrun with people on that particular night (or so the Bible says), but there must have been a park, or a tree to sit under? The Department of Social Services would be all over this.

When you look at Nativity scenes, it always appears that the lambs, cattle and camels all seem to be smiling at the manger, so who knows? Maybe some angel whispered in their ears about the "Son of God, and Host of Hosts, and so on". After all, if I was almighty and my virgin conceived son was about to be born in a stable, I probably would have sent some form of holy cleaning crew down to get the place in order and keep the animals in line.

But another thought comes to mind. Given all the recent discussion about how the Bible was manipulated by the Church, omitting some information and keeping other information, mostly to make Jesus seem so much larger than life (check "Da Vinci Code") - wouldn't the part about being laid in animal food have been changed?

Just a thought. Happy Holidays!

Low Windshield Wiper Fluid Warning

Is this really necessary? I have a 2002 VW Jetta with pretty much all the normal options. I made sure that it had everything that I wanted - asking all the right questions to be sure I would be happy. One question did not occur to me though. That question was "Is there an unnecessary warning that will bellow so loudly and unexpectedly that I will pee my pants when it sounds?" I wish I had asked that question.

Granted, windshield wiper fluid is a good thing. At this time of year, it might even achieve "important" thing. But when you run out, you know. And unlike gasoline, when you run out, your car still functions. A light on the dash indicating "low" is good enough, the terrifying siren is over-doing the criticality of the event. In fact the whole thing is equivalent to the low gas light and alarm - and, sorry, the wiper fluid does not rank as high on the list of critical fluids as the gas.

On a semi-related note - when will they finally begin to make the windshield wiper fluid reservoir in your car the same size as the refill containers they sell at the store? I mean, what remains in the damned replacement after filling the reservoir almost seems pointless to store - it just ends up making all kinds of noise bouncing around the trunk, doesn't it? Is this one of those things like when the air filters of the command module and the L.E.M. did not match in the Apollo 13 disaster?

Nemesis = School Bus

In the city of Boston, apparently there are school bus stops every fifty yards. For the children, this must be extremely convenient. For me, it is something else entirely. NEMESIS.

You know, when I was a kid, it seemed you had to walk half a mile just to get to a bus stop, if you were lucky enough to be inside a "bus zone". In fact, for a while because my family lived almost, but not quite 2 miles from the school, we had to walk the whole way to school.

But these days, kids do not have to walk at all. Some probably walk out the front door in the morning and say to themselves, "which one will I stand at today? The one 25 yards to my right, or the one 25 yards to my left?" Decisions, decisions.

I, though, face other choices regarding these school buses - do I get up extra early this morning so that my drive takes me only 40 minutes, or do I leave at a more decent time and plan on a 1.5 hour drive? Because if you get caught up in the sea of yellow at the beginning of their terror, you will be stuck good.

I am struggling to find a way out of my neighborhood and onto the highway that will avoid these masters of traffic nightmarity, but so far, it appears I am well surrounded.

The Bird - Vocabulary Update

As mentioned in previous posts, the African Gray Parrot Rick, aka "The Bird" is an amazing talker - picking up all kinds of things to say, and knowing the appropriate times to say them (for example, saying "Good Morning" when you stumble out of bed to get coffee, but "good night" when you are turning out the lights to go to bed). African Gray Parrots are great talkers - one famous one named Alex has been featured on Nova and other documentaries about the subject - here is some more detailed info if you are interested.

But I wanted to update you on Rick's two new favorite statements:

"Hi Love" - this is a quick informal greeting, which he uses when you walk into the room and look at him in the eyes - he loves this new greeting - "Hello" has become boring to him, and "Hi" needed some sprucing, so he has chosen "Hi Love" and is saying it all the time (but only to me and the partner - others still get "Hello").

"Are You Okay?" - he has actually said this for a while, but it has recently replaced "How Are You?". He got this from a time when he accidentally flew against a window when startled and fell to the ground - I ran to him and picked him up caringly asking "are you ok?" to calm him down. Not long after that, he started saying it. But now he says it all the time. And he says it in a very caring tone.

Just a little more glimpse into the mind of the "Big Silly Bird" (another thing he says).

Joy to the World

Joy to the World..
My Shopping's done..
The Tree is Up and Lit..



Let Everyone, have some fun..
Because I am all done, because I am all done
Because I am - I am - I am all done

Reverse Commute

Who the hell came up with this expression?

Recently I changed jobs. Everything about the change made sense: outstanding professional growth opportunity, exciting work environment, challenging job duties, interesting and fun co-workers and the ever important dramatic increase in compensation. There was just one questionable change - instead of the 2 mile subway ride to work every morning, I would be driving 25 miles.

Not that I have not commuted by car before - I have. In 1995/96, I even commuted 55 miles each way "against traffic". But it had been ten years, I was not prepared. But not to worry, I was told, I was going to be "reverse commuting" - you see, apparently if you live in the city and work in the suburbs, you do not have any commuting headaches. Huh!

In the time up to my first day, I eagerly prepared for my "reverse commute". I pranced giggling into the Mass Turnpike's "Fast Lane" office (known as "Speed Pass" everywhere else in the US) to finally belong to that elusive club of drivers who could drive right through the tolls. I cleaned out my car, and even filled the tank with gas. I was so excited for my new "reverse commute". I naively believed that I would gayly speed up 128 North from the Pike, looking at all those suckers sitting in traffic trying to get to Boston. NOT.

Instead, in one week I have experienced a snow storm, an ice storm, a "wide load" vehicle that smashed into a toll booth causing miles of endless backup (even for us special Fast Lane transponder holders).

If we, in New England, have a truly awful snowy horrid winter, you can rest assured that the reason will not be atmospheric, or planetary or meteorological in any way. It will just be fate - the fact that it is because this is when I chose to "reverse commute".

Love,

Jack

Worst. President. Ever.

There is no further need for debate. We now are living under the worst possible executive administration this nation has experienced in modern times. It claims to spread freedom, but is not interested in protecting it at home:

Read the story

I refuse to believe that this is not criminal in nature. Part of me yearns for him to resign, but then we would have to suffer the follies of Cheney, which would be no better.

We have three very dark years ahead of us. At least Congress appears to be getting its head clear:

Senate actually makes a good decision

Well this sucks, YET AGAIN!!!!

Oh crap - this is getting too familiar ....



This clearly seems to be setting a pattern. And I know exactly why. Because I just started a new job this week that requires that I drive 20 miles each way (this after ten years of commuting 2 miles, mostly by subway - by the way, you can expect a nice diatribe soon from me about the wonders of commuting, with photos - we don't fool around at What A Bird). I am also one of those staff people who must show during weather events. Therefore, Mother Nature has determined that my life must suck and is getting to it.

And it does not seem to show much promise for next week:



God damn it!

Jerk of the Week

Mitt Romney, Governor of the Commonwealth.



Where do I start? This guy sucks. His administration sucks. What has he managed to do for this state? Sh^t, that's what. And guess what, he wants to be your President.

As for Massachusetts, he clearly does not care. Everything he does now is carefully staged to set a presidential run, not to be the leader of our state. As Andy Hiller of Channel 7 Boston says, his heart is not here, so let him go.

He is not running again for Governor. You might think I would give him a pass on Jerk of the Week for that reason. But, the problem is that he wants to go somewhere else, the White House, and we, the people of Massachusetts, were just his stepping stone.

Massachusetts has sent many people to the Presidential Election, some have won. Most of the time, Massachusetts supports its own in these elections. But if Romney were to somehow be the Republican nominee - MA will vote otherwise.

Gym Jerk Continued

Total ass. All one of my readers might recall a post I made about proper Gym behavior in which I describe a gym bunny who believes he is somehow more special than everyone else. As in my previous post, which you can review here, he hogs the machines and ignores people who are waiting to use them, despite the incredibly polite signs indicating he must give up the machine between sets while others are working through. He sits on the machines between his sets, and reads People magazine, pretending no one else is there.

I am not sure what annoys me more - the fact I do not get the immediate access to the machine that I want, or the fact this ass believes it is OK to do this. Anyway, tonight I intervened. The conversation went something like this:

Me: (politely) Do you mind if I jump in and do a quick set?
The Ass: (sighs) Well I still have four to do.

Mind you, he did not specify what "four" meant - reps or sets? By the way, that is gym technobabble people rattle off to sound like they go to the gym often.

Me: (still politely) Well if you are doing four sets, do you mind if I go in during your rest between next two?

The Ass: (annoyed and not hiding it) Fine! Then he gets up - walks away without toweling off his sweaty ick.

Me: (under my breath) Ass...

Fortunately for every prima donna like him, there are at least 20 cool guys who work within the guidelines and are very considerate.

Chilly?

The weather lady on the radio this morning on the way to work said that tonight we would experience a "chilly" 16 degrees.

Chilly?

Chilly!?

Chilly is a brisk April day, or the morning of the first frost in October. Chilly is the reception you get from your significant other when you stumble home from a night out alone at the clubs. Chilly is how I prefer my very large glasses of Chardonnay. But what Chilly is NOT is 16 degrees. 16 degrees is frickin COLD. Temps have long passed "chilly". Perhaps she was trying to make a funny. But if so, she failed. And to top it off, she was wrong anyway. Instead, we had a chilly 1 degree.

Bitch.

Well, this sucks, again

Although we are only just starting the season, we have had TWO fairly decent snowstorms already! Crap. And I am just about to start long distance commuting every day again. This figures. The last time I had to long distance commute daily was during the winter of 1996, when it snowed practically every freaking day.

Oh well, at least it is nice for the holiday season. But I really could have done without the thunder and lightning - that was sort of strange for a howling snow storm.

"Shower"

UPDATED 12/8 with pics......



Ok, so it has been a while since I wrote about "the Bird". But here is a cute story.

Last night, "the partner" decided that the Bird needed a shower. He decided this because Rick has this habit of going for a bath in his water bowl and making a real mess. The bird loves to get wet and take a "shower". He actually says "shower" every time he hears the water running. So the partner takes out Rick's spray bottle and sprays him down. The bird is loving this, flapping his wings and getting all kissy-lovey.

When done, the bird is soaking wet, his feathers are so "scrinkled" (?) that you can see clear down to his skin. At this point, you realize just how weird a bird looks - they have the strangest little bodies, with the scrawniest of necks.

At this point, the bird is all happy and giving us kisses and spending long amounts of time preening his feathers getting all nice and "pretty" (he also says "what a PRETTY bird" into the mirror). So I walk up to him and he puts his head down to let me kiss the top of it, which he loves. And he quietly says "I love you".

And I smile.

Well, this sucks

My favorite line from the movie "Madagascar" is the very end. The penguins, who mastermind the whole escape from the NY zoo so they can finally get home to Antarctica (a place they have never seen), finally make it to Antarctica and with howling snow and wind, one turns to the others and says, "well this sucks". Marvelous.

Today, I have a similar feeling. Snow has returned, and well, it sucks. Last spring, some birds built a big old nest in the yard next door, clearly visible from our bedroom window. We watched them move in, have some young, teach them to fly, then disappear when it got colder. Today, it sits alone and quite cold:



Oh well, "cycle of life" and blah, blah. At least it was a pretty picture out the window, first snow of the season and all. But let's not make it a habit.

"Desperate Housewives" is nothing compared to "Knots"

"Knots Landing" had to be one of the best nighttime soaps ever - as they refer to it "the original 'Desperate Housewives'". But DW is nowhere near the League Knots was in. Tonight CBS remembers:

Jerk of the Week

Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary and American Baghdad Bob, mouthpiece of Karl Rove and Dick Cheney.

Today he said it was "irresponsible" for democrats to criticize the White House plan for success in Iraq.

See Story

Hello!!!??? Does he live here? Has he (or anyone in the administration) studied the Bill of Rights? The Constitution? It is their duty to criticize our leadership to be certain we are being well led. And these days, we most certainly are not being well led.

I mean, isn't it for these same rights we are fighting in Iraq, to give them to the Iraqi people?

It is HIS irresponsible statement, with its echoes of Nazi Germany, that earns him "Jerk of the Week".

It sounds like Hollywood

This story is great - Disney could do it justice, even if it has been done before:

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/12/01/emily.cat.ap/index.html